My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Bro what is this
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker