Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose