Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
You Might Also Like
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and