…u ok Nintendo?
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Same post same
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.