“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Sheep
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days