Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.