Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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He died doing what he loved: being alive
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I will never stop laughing at this
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.