I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
As the Lord intended
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
#JohnTravolta
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.