Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.