I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
😂😂😂
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I get distracted pretty eas
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.