People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.