“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Merry Christmas
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900