The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You Might Also Like
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*