*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!