Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Please do it!
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow