Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
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Time heals everything 🙂
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
📽️movie date🎞️
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Would you wear it?