My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Raisins are grape jerky.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies