When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
philosophical skeletons be like
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I triple waxed for this?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*