If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
War & Peace
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.