Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu