Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this