To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Who called it baking and not making love
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.