Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.