black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The prophecy is fulfilled
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
hmmm
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.