The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
How to draw a duck
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Thank you corporation very cool
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.