The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*