To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Monday
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.