You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
And bowling should be called pinball
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I wish all tests were things you peed on
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
And that about sums it up.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Going into Monday like