ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up