Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush