ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
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sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.