them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium