The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I only treason on days ending in y
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.