I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code