hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
You Might Also Like
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.