It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
New favorite tiktok
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
#gardening
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me: