PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
You Might Also Like
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Fiction has to make sense.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Love is in the air fryer.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up