SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend