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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system