Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.