My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
me refusing to leave twitter