She was REALLY feeling it.
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I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
sliding into dms like
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
so i’m at the stock market right
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.