I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!