discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“i am a sweet baby”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music