[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I unironically love this joke.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.