Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Saturday
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
what does he know…
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.