one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Happy birthday to all the women
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
But I really needed water water water
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion