Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Has science gone too far?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker