It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.