We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.